Archives for posts with tag: joy
Silence Swells
Filling Mouth
Then Lungs
Taking My Breath Away
Causing Pain
And Pleasure
Pregnant Belly
Vacuous Womb
Undigested Feeling
Surfaced Toxins
Until Surrendering
Sweetly Asunder
Dividing Into Wholeness
Each face we encounter, including our own, etches a story
They are stories of fear, of disappointment, of destruction
Outlined by lines of struggle, worry and loss
Shadowed by lies, secrets and parts rejected
Furrowed brows and fake smiles
Hastened paces and nervous tics
Crouched postures and sunken bellies
Our bodies share our pain
If we take a few steps back
And we stand where the sun casts a different shadow
Follow the lines and curves, into the valleys and over the hills
We can see the form of a warrior emerging
Outreached arms and focused gaze
Steadfast stance and enduring mind
Brave heart and generous hand
Our bodies reveal our fortitude
If we take a few steps back
And we stand where the sun casts a different light
Follow the acts of kindness and openness of heart
We can see the form of a hero emerging
Every day signals the call for the hero
To rise and shine and start fresh, a new slate
On which to write our hopes and dreams
That live on – through and over, under and around
Each fear we confront becomes a testament to our courage
Every disappointment we overcome strengthens our resilience
Every struggle we turn into opportunity marks our ingenuity
All the destruction we use to create releases our aliveness
Each face we encounter, including our own, etches a story
They are stories of hope, of faith, of love
Outlined by lines of endurance, determination and perseverance
Lit by ways of compassion, kindness and generosity
With Love,
Walking along this path
I am taught an eternal lesson
One that I have long known
But need to be reminded of
I look at the canopy above me
And see the bending trees
They grow toward the light
Into the openness and the sun
They do not know any other way
And when they are blocked
They find a way around or through
For nothing comes between the two
This is the wisdom I was taught
From Mother Earth and her gnomes
Her fairies and her mushrooms
She shouts it from the trees
I must follow the sunshine
I must find the light
And will say goodbye to all those things
That makes life feel too tight
For the light is levity
And freedom and support
Even when darkness falls
I shall use the light to stand up tall
I now recognize the inner light
That grasps hands with the outer sun
And what I’m being told
Is that our solar power has just begun
Reflect, beam and shine the way
From the love that’s within
To find glory, love and joy
Never feel without
With Love,
(n) the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists.
(v) have as one’s intention or objective.
I can remember as far back as my early college working days in the Boy’s Department at Nordstrom doodling on notepads.  What did I want to be when I grew up?  I would create a radial system of spokes seemingly shooting me off to my destiny.  One arrow pointed toward children.  I loved them, and I was good with them.  I spent my entire adolescence babysitting, leaving a 12-hour workday with one family only to move on to a 6-hour work night with another family.  Kids were my lifeline.  I relished in their joy, spontaneity and humor.  I could even withstand the tantrums and meltdowns.  Another arrow directed me to medicine.  I always loved biology and could marry it with my love for children by becoming a pediatrician.  But I loved the arts and culture, too.  Scientific discovery was not my idea of a canvas.  I wanted a channel for emotional, artistic expression, whether it be mine or someone else’s.  More arrows led to other interests in the areas of design, entrepreneurship, strategy & innovation.  Soon enough, what was supposed to be my yellow brick road became an explosion of ideas with little to no cohesion.  For years, I drew the same picture with the same image, resulting in more and more confusion about the direction in which I wanted to take my life. 
By late-2004, I knew I had to change my career path.  Yet, it wasn’t until 2006 that I decided to pursue my original intention to become a doctor.  I applied and was accepted into a post-baccalaureate pre-medical program.  Life would be set for me until kingdom come: post-bacc for 2 years, medical school for 4 years, residency for 4 years, and if I wanted a specialization, which I did, then X more years.  I would start at 27 years old and not re-emerge until at least 40.  I no longer had to waffle over what I should do with my life.  I felt a huge sense of relief to be rid of the aching desire to find purposeful work, to live a purposeful life and to do something I loved.  Yet, something within told me that this was not the right choice.  Instead of feeling liberated, I actually felt suffocated.  In lieu of joy was dread.  These were not feelings I thought I should be having when I was about to embark on my life purpose journey.  Being a strong believer in gut responses, I took heed and dropped out of the program on the day I was supposed to start and moved to Los Angeles.  It just so happened that I was more excited to move to Los Angeles without a job or any idea of where my life would take me than to start my journey to become a doctor.  From there, life weaves in and out of various jobs and paths in an attempt to take control of my destiny.  Even as recently as last June, my desire resurfaced, and I was beckoned to try again. 
While my interests are still many and varied, I have been better able to narrow down my focus, which has given me a sense of direction that I had lacked years prior.  Most importantly, during this leg of my journey, I have confronted some very important mindset shifts, which has allowed me to become a lot more realistic about what purpose means and how to find it. Below are some of my lessons learned:
Purpose Comes in Many Guises
For many years, I clung onto the belief that purpose was tied solely to career.  I felt that having the right career in an area that I loved was what living purposefully meant.  Now, I realize that purpose permeates across all aspects of life.  Purpose is what drives decisions and choices made everyday with regards to family, friends, home, health, etc.  I can have the purpose to be a good daughter, as well as the purpose to have a career I love.  All of them constitute purpose.
Purpose Is Another Word for Intention
This leads me to my next realization that to have purpose means to have intention.  When we think, say or do something for a specific reason, then it is purposeful.  A way to make life filled with wonderful purpose is to align thoughts, words and actions with our value system so that they are meaningful and authentic.  I cook healthy and hearty meals to serve my family.  When I do this, I feel imbued with a sense of purpose because it is my way to show my love for them.
Money Can Be Part of The Purpose
A major breakthrough for me has been my relationship with money.  I always felt money and purpose had an either/or relationship.  However, after staring at my budget day after day, I concluded that money is a key factor in my happiness, well-being and health.  Money is a freedom tool for me to continue my health journey, explore more adventures and give to my family and friends in ways that I would like to.  For me, money is part of my purpose.  I have shifted my expectations and criteria so that I can accommodate my needs and wants much more comfortably without feeling greedy or guilty!   Anything that serves you should be part of your purpose because that will help build the foundation needed to create more and more fulfillment.
Security Increases Purpose’s Bandwidth
I realize that when my life feel scarce, a lot of my energy is dedicated to worry and stress in order to take care of basic necessities.  However, when life is abundant and my needs and wants are taken care of, I no longer have that energy drain.  Instead, I can channel my energy into more productive and creative outlets that allow me to deepen relationships, generate new ideas and create more abundance.  Fear of loss is replaced by a gratitude for all the opportunities that are now visible without the cloud of worry.
Follow Your Joy to Find Your Purpose
At the very base of our purpose is to feel joy.  I have no doubt in my mind that our lives are meant to be filled with peace of mind and joy of heart.  When we fill our hearts with joy, we are living our lives as they are intended.  So, when in doubt, listen to what your heart is telling you and follow the path that is filled with love and light. 
With Love, 

Day 20 – Thanksgiving Thankfulness – My Heart:  You bring me unspeakable joy, as well as unbearable pain.  Yet, even in that pain can glory and grace be found in the lesson it is teaching and the healing it is providing.  You are the only one who tells me the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  You don’t speak the language of hate.  You don’t rule by fear.  You don’t make excuses or rationalizations.  You are honorable and trustworthy, even when I don’t want to hear what you have to say, or reject what you’re telling me.  You teach me that the only way to live is to love.  My sage. My savant.  My soul.  In the words of Milan Kundera from his book “The Unbearable Lightness of Being:” “When the heart speaks, the mind finds it indecent to object.”  Thank you. Xx      

Day 18 – Thanksgiving Thankfulness – Undercurrents: I’m not always plugged into my emotional undercurrents to know what I am feeling, responding to, absorbing from life past, present and future. But I know they’re always there…. like those darn triggers. Some days, they present themselves, as though they are showing up to be tried for a case – am I valid? am I right? or should I just be put a…way for some time…? what’s the verdict? Other days, they remain silent, brooding, hidden. Out of sight, out of mind. For the most part, they don’t come out unannounced; there is some forewarning – a leading thought, a response, an action – that they’re going to show up on my doorstep, waiting to be heard, demanding that they be responded to in that moment. It’s that every once in a while when they show up unannounced – those days when things just feel ‘off,’ and no matter what I do to derail, Stella just can’t get her groove back. The harder I try to make things right, the more things go wrong. My stomach feels knotty, my eyes become watery, my mind is unsettled. I don’t always know why, and perhaps, I don’t always want to know why. I am just not ready, yet. Nonetheless, my body seems to think otherwise. It’s smarter than I think it is. In fact, I believe the body and mind are the most beautiful instruments we have, and if I could just listen to what song they’re trying to play, I could be better attuned to what I need. Some scientific communities attest that we store our emotions in our bodies. I believe what they say. I believe our bodies are another form of expression – when we move, our souls speak, our emotions are freed. My mind does a great job of rationalizing, deducing, extracting, calculating and processing. It generates thoughts that lead to feelings… and it is my body that does a great job of relating to and communicating those feelings – my mouth knows when to frown, my eyes know when to smile, my stomach knows when to feel fluttery, my hands know when to get clammy. Perhaps these feelings don’t always need to be known or understood, just expressed and released. Somatic Psychology and Therapy derive their roots from the body/mind connection. Even something as simple as our breath has the amazing power to transform the life that it gives – you just need to know how to use it. I spend so much of my time searching for answers, clues, messages outside of myself… However, I am coming to realize that I don’t have to search any further than myself to find the truth, and that I have all the tools I need to conduct my search. I have to allow myself to be drawn into my undercurrents – it’s not so much about plugging into and out of them on occasion to catch the drift and so much more about riding with them. They can be disruptive, extreme, scary and daunting at times.. they are also soothing, exhilarating and absolutely liberating. They speak my story and unveil my truth. Thank you. Xx

Day 17 – Thanksgiving Thankfulness – The Dance: I just noticed how I have become so accustomed to stepping to the beat of my own drummer. This is great when I am alone – my beat can be fast, slow, funky, country… whatever I feel like. Oftentimes, however, I am not alone. I am surrounded by the pulse of a city, a household, a social gathering, a workplace – each with its own beat, its own vibe…… its own dance. This can be overwhelming, frustrating, annoying.. even maddening when I seem to be dancing to a different tune – everything feels disconnected and well… Offbeat :)). Most of the time, I just grit my teeth and bear with it. Needless to say, time feels like an eternity, resistance keeps building and escapist fancies start to take flight – very uncomfortable and unpleasant. Other times, I remember to shift a little… be more flexible… make it work. When I slow the beat of my drummer down to a hush, I witness a dance in front of me… I close my eyes and search for its cadence… I pare it down to its essence… Then wait for a point of entry. At the moment when I can relinquish control of my individual beat and join the dance, I find myself in the most beautiful flow – the tension releases, the power of ego fades. All of the sudden, we all hear the same music and step to the same beat. I may not love the dance or the beat – its the feeling of connection and synchronicity that I love. Let me dance your dance with you… And our disconnect will grow few and few! Lol. Thank you. Xx