Archives for posts with tag: projection
Sucking from her nipple,
the milk of repressed emotions
Distended belly bloated with anger
Umbilical cord severed
Choking on words
Not even my own
Voice of a different generation
Breathing fire cauldron
Sticky tar boils over
Attached to the pain
Nourished only
By the memory of a dream
Bitten by love’s venom
Life as the only antidote


As each day passes, the light becomes brighter
Bringing clarity to matters of heart and head
That once seemed impossible to figure out
Leaving me wonder how long I must tread
Toiling and troubling, my mind would circle round
Trying to make sense of the direction I should take
And examining the hidden messages
To learn of the lessons, for my own sake
With Pluto demanding  nothing but the truth
I’ve been forced to face the shadows of darkness and death
Shut away and hidden, rejected and repressed
Always preventing me from complete soul’s rest
Now I know, without a shadow of a doubt
That you were all part of the cosmic plan
Reflecting the parts of which I had been so ashamed
I confronted them one by one, lifting their perennial ban
Slowly, I resuscitate each and every part of me
Breathing life into every crack, crevice and corner
I implore them for their forgiveness and understanding
And with such simplicity, I have paid the debt I incur
With humility and gratitude, I receive such grace
To unlock myself from these chains
Giving myself the choice of being
I have fallen in love with freedom’s taste
With Love,
There comes a time when I reach a point
When there are no more tears to cry
And all of my emotions have run dry
The raging fury that once burned so brightly
Dying down to its embers, has spent all its fuel
With the space now for the heat to cool
Once I push past the anger, breaking through
To the other side, I now see plain and clear
The anger was masking my biggest, darkest fear
For when you help up the mirror, I saw my reflection
Like a loudspeaker, my fears being projected back
The shame too great, I couldn’t face up to all that I lack
The love for myself faltered and swayed
As it tripped over my weakened power
The triggers I no longer want to endure
I strip my emotions until they are naked
Standing under the moonlight
I realize that there is no more reason to fight
Baring my heart and soul’s truth
I can no longer run, I can no longer hide
I have said all that I need to confide
Wrapping myself in sweet surrender
A smile emerges, arms extend and eyes close
One long breath in, my body now unfroze
Sacrifice my fears, my insecurities
Hang them on the cross
For their sins, I have felt so much loss
Because there is nothing more to reveal
I don’t need to be protected any longer
Taking back my power, making me stronger
I may not be the best at this love thing
But I am not afraid to shed it all
And in my truth, I will stand tall
With Love,
the DesignLife

a topic, phrase or word that emotionally sets someone off. Could refer to anger, or reliving a traumatic experience. Sometimes this is logical, other times it seems like an attention grab. (thanks, Urban Dictionary!)

In the past week alone, I confronted one too many triggers.  One after another arrived at my doorstep – uninvited, unexpected and unwanted.  For some reason, past scars, hurts, inadequacies and insecurities wanted to commingle with my present.  These pushy, loud, obnoxious visitors forged their way into my personal space and made themselves way too comfortable.  They started to create an upheaval, stirring up and muddying the clear waters of soul-searching, life-affirming efforts I had been planting, implementing, executing.  Up until now, I had felt relatively safe and secure during this time of transition.  Now, these pesky visitors reinstated fear and failure as the mainstay of my mindset, almost as if they served as a harbinger for my future.  As they took over the first floor, I retreated to the second.  I was becoming a stranger in my own home.   
Upon their arrival, I canceled my life and did what any good Cancerian does – hid under her shell to protect that soft, sacred inner space so that nothing else could get in.  Luckily, I was afforded the time and space to shut the door, but I knew I could not stay closed in for very long.  Besides, my visitors knew where I was and would eventually make their way upstairs… it was only a matter of time.  There was no way to continue avoiding them. 
Therefore, I had no other choice but to face the onslaught of their emotional heft.  Just like my stomach, so long as it felt relatively satiated and satisfied, I could prevent the hunger pains from cropping up.  However, even after being fed well-timed, good-proportioned and tasty meals, my stomach can operate from a mind of its own.  Without much notice, I could find myself just a few short hours after a filling meal feeling the pings and pangs of hungry peckers.  Damn those hungry pecking peckers.  And much like those hunger pains, my emotional pains were quick to appear and oh-so-slow to go away.  At times, it felt like agony. How agonizing.   
My retreat was the quick short-term fix.  It was the numbing agent that distracted me from the pain so that I could regroup and eventually sit with it, confront it, ask it what it wanted, then work with it to administer the long-term solution it needed so that it could heal once and for all.  Will there ever be a once and for all? 
I don’t know.  The only thing I did and do know is that I had to pull the emotional trigger and start to confront each debilitating feeling.  My best coping mechanisms included:
Make It Manageable – Get Grounded
Despite working on being more grounded and feeling more grounded, the emotional surge I felt was like a tsunami – little to no warning, fast and furious and destructively debilitating.  For the most part, when discomfort or emotion sweeps over me, I have learned to sit with it and let it pass.  This time, I felt completely blindsided.  My tactic had to change.  In order to bring back some semblance of order and understanding to face this head on, I took a time out to find my grounding.  This way, I could try to see a bit more clearly and figure out how to proceed.  So, when life knocks you off your feet, figure out what kind of time out you need – turn off your phone, go for a run, sit with it.  Get grounded in order to get back up.
Figure The Triggers – Develop Understanding
These triggers unfortunately have some sticking power, so I wouldn’t be surprised if it was neither their first time nor their last time around town.  If you don’t like the aftertaste they leave, my suggestion is to trace them back to their origins as best as you can.  For me, I’ve been working with mine for a while now, so I can at least more readily identify what the trigger is and from where it’s coming.  Sometimes just knowing this can help quell and calm me because I at least have some knowledge about why it happened.  Understanding then leads to empowered choices that you can make in dealing with it.  In the process of understanding, you will also gain some self-compassion so that any feelings of victimization (i.e. failure, fear, hindrance, etc.) can be transformed into empowerment.  Understand to create understanding.
Cleaning Up The Aftermath – Chase The Truth
In some circumstances, our triggers may have only impacted ourselves.  However, more often than not, our reactions will spill over into other areas of our lives, impacting those around us – co-workers, lovers, friends, possibly even strangers.  For me, my triggers were instigated by other people – the things I perceived as them doing, feeling, saying.  My mind seemed to carry this well formed template that attracted anything that remotely fit into it.  As soon as one piece seemed to slide in, my mind went chasing down the other pieces in order to complete its picture puzzle.  It didn’t matter what the truth was, my mind was on a mission to make it fit.  And in the meantime, it made me believe the truth that it was presenting – that of an old, broken record trying to relive its worn out glory.  However, in these moments of haze, I really didn’t know any other truth than the one my mind was presenting to me.  Therefore, as I took back my control, I chased the truth.  I approached those who were impacting me to seek the truth because that was the only way I was going to quiet my mind. 
Previously, triggers had the power to control mind and body – they would be the one steering my life.  I felt powerless and helpless as they shaped my perceptions, charged my emotions and created my reality.  Today, I am still learning.  While my mind still sometimes takes over my life with its own version of the truth, I now know now to let it continue down its own path.  I take over the driver’s seat so that I can steer my life in the direction I want to go in, which includes clearing up the misconceptions.  Luckily, I am surrounded by people who want to create a shared understanding, so are willing to work with me through the triggers.  However, I also know that I need to own this better – it takes time, patience and a lot of self-control over that oh-so-powerful old brain of mind screaming: Alert! System Shutdown.  In the meantime, I continue to play in my playground… and hope that one day, my triggers don’t scream as loudly. 
With Love,